sadness

My heart is full of sadness today. I can't sleep and I keep having these bursts of crying. Luckily I haven't broken down infront of anyone so I didn't have to think of an explanation. My mind just keeps waundering. It kills me to think someone who I still see as a sweet precious innocent little girl is hurting soooooo bad. I keep playing out scenarios in my head......I can do this..........than this will happen........or I can do this...........than this will happen. Yet I haven't found that ahhhaahh idea that has that wounderful ending. Like in 'life is beautiful' (yes I am referencing the movie of which I watch over n over) when the boy who all he wants is this tank and thru all the bad that is going down all around unbeknownst to him all he's thinking about is that big tank. Till the moment you watch that tank pull up............the flutter in your heart............that's what I want her to feel......a sigh of relief. Now I'm not even in this matter. I just know about it but my brain wheels are still going a mile a min thinking what if I could think of Sumn. Ya know? Just sitting here thinking of what she must be thinking. All you need is a seed of thought that you're alone and you mind can take over and become your biggest enemy. Not many know this but I know all too well about this matter. I have had awful struggles with depression. One of the most horrible things to struggle with is yourself. This is what upsets me so. Knowing in part what she's doing inside the part that she can't let out. It breaks my heart!!!

Easter Yay!

We had a pretty good Easter. It actually started the night before with the coloring of the eggs. We got this egg spinner, a life saver! i highly recommend this for anyone with children that you feel are too young still for the traditional colorings. Way fun for them too. The girls had a blast with it. Ardell and I stayed up until about 2 am. I had to do the Easter baskets, make some potato salad, clean, and I attempted to make an Easter cake but it failed. I put too much batter in the pan and it started to overflow. Ooooops. I swear my cooking and baking has been sooo off since we moved in here. starting to feel like I cant do anything in the kitchen anymore and I haven't made fry bread since we moved in so I am not so sure I'm confident in that anymore. However I will not make it here because Nene is the queen bee when it comes to fry bread so for me to try and do it in her house would be fry bread suicide!!!!! haha. I woke this morning before the girls and hid their baskets outside then when the girls woke we took them to play outside and tried to coax them into stumbling upon them. They had a blast playing with all their new stuff. By the way, we got these bubbles that you can supposedly hold in your hands thinking that would be neat. WRONG. They don't work very well and leave a weird sticky mess everywhere. I would not recommend these. Ian, Lisa Kylan and Jaedyn came to do the Easter egg hunt with the girls which was a lot more fun this year because Lana actually got the hang of it this year. Last year i put the eggs out and I picked the eggs up by myself. haha. We met up with my family and all had brunch @ Ihop which was nice since I don't really get to see them much these days. Totally my fault. My dad says it was the perfect place to go on Easter because what other restaurant hops? hahaha, such a jokester! We caught up a bit, laughed a bit and my mom was talking about how she wants to rent a mechanical bull for the next party. Hilarious. Took Audi, Kylan and Jaedyn to see 'How to Train a Dragon'. It was cute but since Audi didn't have a nap she slept thru the last half of the movie. Better to have a napping baby then a screaming one, huh? She had a blast after the movie though. There was one of those fountains that spray out of the ground and we just couldn't resist!!! Fun fun fun. Great photo opportunity too. Big thanks to my bro and sis in law Zac and Cindy for watching Lana so we could go to the movies. Ardell has today AND tomorrow off. YAAAAYYY! This never happens anymore. So exciting! Well its not letting me post any pics or videos at this time and i'm tired of messing with it so thats all for now.