sadness

My heart is full of sadness today. I can't sleep and I keep having these bursts of crying. Luckily I haven't broken down infront of anyone so I didn't have to think of an explanation. My mind just keeps waundering. It kills me to think someone who I still see as a sweet precious innocent little girl is hurting soooooo bad. I keep playing out scenarios in my head......I can do this..........than this will happen........or I can do this...........than this will happen. Yet I haven't found that ahhhaahh idea that has that wounderful ending. Like in 'life is beautiful' (yes I am referencing the movie of which I watch over n over) when the boy who all he wants is this tank and thru all the bad that is going down all around unbeknownst to him all he's thinking about is that big tank. Till the moment you watch that tank pull up............the flutter in your heart............that's what I want her to feel......a sigh of relief. Now I'm not even in this matter. I just know about it but my brain wheels are still going a mile a min thinking what if I could think of Sumn. Ya know? Just sitting here thinking of what she must be thinking. All you need is a seed of thought that you're alone and you mind can take over and become your biggest enemy. Not many know this but I know all too well about this matter. I have had awful struggles with depression. One of the most horrible things to struggle with is yourself. This is what upsets me so. Knowing in part what she's doing inside the part that she can't let out. It breaks my heart!!!